Inner Sanctum

YOURE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

2010-04-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Blog

its been a while. Laziness and the lack of anything interesting has kept us apart for a while, but following matthews beautiful blog about humility, i have once again found it within myself to blog

Ever seen one of those adverts where the punchline is: unless you get *insert product/service here* you will not be cool enough, attractive enough etc etc.

We recently i've been feeling that in many areas of my life i dont measure up and to be quite honest i was put down. In everything i seemed to do or have someone did it or had something better than me. At a point it was becoming really bad primarily because i was really negative with myself and secondly i started buying into the consumeristic bullshit that unless i have a car which is the best or a laptop that can run nasa i wasnt any good (these are just two examples but the list goes on and on)

The funny thing was that this wasnt only an attitude within me alone or found only in people who havent accepted Jesus as their Lord and saviour but also in christians. Im not pointing fingers i've been on both sides of the story many times.But it struck me, even here with my christian brothers and sisters, in a very subtle manner I could feel the silent tug of unworthiness because i didnt have this or that or i wasnt this or that. I was appalled and very angry and and and......hurt. At first the hurt was a very self centred one, they judge me, they dont accept me as i am .....theyre horrible people. But now it has moved on, the hurt i feel isnt for me anymore but its for the suffering this bondage is putting on those that i know and love (and God knows on how many others)

The truth is there will always be a reason not to accept yourself. It can range from a particularly pesky sin to not having the ultimate brand or the ultimate toy thats in vogue. This is the devils ploy, once our self worth is tied to the attainment of an objective, we become exactly like those cartoonish donkeys which would have a carrot stuck in front of their eyes and will walk miles trying to reach that carrot but it always keeps eluding us.

But Andrew i hear you say I am fat/unattractive/poor/talentless/shy/unpopular/unloved/uncared for/unnoticed/abused/unloved. Why in the heavens should i love myself? Believe me people i've asked God and myself this question countless times. The answer will never change and its summed up in two words. The Cross.

If Jesus the son of God, the high priest, blameless and obedient till death, chose willingly to give His life for YOU (and me) when we were still sinners (as St Paul says) then we are worth something. Jesus didnt die for us because i'm intelligent or i can play the guitar well, or im the sexiest person ever. Jesus died for us because He saw in us something. God the father showed this great mercy because He knew that despite our sins, despite our inability to ever reach the perfect standards that God has set out for us, there was something beautiful, there was something good, there was something that was trademark registered to God.This is what gives us worth. What we do is dust and ashes, the real worth is who we are, who God created.We are worth it because God loves us, even when we are in an abyss of shame,guilt and fear or sin we can never shake off Gods love for us because He loves for what we are, His creation. Nothing we do will ever change that from the most inept person to the greatest genius, in front of God all cower down and nothing of those HUMAN categories remain, all that remains is what God put in us, and my friends it is not junk.

so please please stop believing that youll be good enough when you get the next item, learn the next skill, stop the next sin. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE GOD MADE YOU THAT WAY, JUST BE WHO YOU ARE AND DIVE INTO GOD'S NEVER ENDING lOVE. DRINK DEEPLY MY FRIENDS FOR HE IS GOOD

Hilarious

2009-05-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

The Debate

2009-05-20T06:28:00.000-07:00

It was a gentle summer evening in the land of Epistemis. The sun was setting and it seemed that all of nature was quieting down like little children saying their evening prayer just before they go to bed. On a bench by the sea sat Socrates looking out at the distant shore wondering what lay outside the harbour, he never really believed the world was flat, but there was little he could do to prove it.

Reynar was walking in hasty pace muttering to himself when from a distance he saw Socrates. Socrates! Socrates! he shouted all over the harbour dispelling the gentle rhytmn of a sleeping nature.

"Reynar, my friend." Socrates responded "How is life treating you?"

R:"Very well Socrates, it seems that i have reached the pinnacle of my life, my sculptures are being recognised throughout every nation state, and the possibilities are endless, i wonder what i will do next." Reynar answered.

S:"Surely a thanksgiving honour to the gods is due for all that they have done for us? Is it not they that give you your life as you know it?"

R:"Yes yes Socrates it is they, but tell me do you believe that i should move into literature and try my hand at that?"

S:"If you have something to say than literature is a good avenue for your mind."

R:"I have alot to say about everything, politics, dance, song and fashion, maybe even about economics..."

S:"Reynar my young friend, how is it that you have so much to say about everything, but have you stopped for a moment to probe into wisdom, lest what you say be noise."

R:"Socrates i am offended, do you think that i am not capable of the deep words that you say?"

S:"Reynar if only i had your brilliance at your young age...

R:"Then pray please do tell me why what i would say be more similiar to noise than true wisdom."

S:"Reynar it is but pure folly to believe that when one speaks so many words in such a quick manner there is thought behind them. Wisdom takes time and silence. When one speaks one is not thinking and when on thinks one needs the company of silence to prepare his mind for the forum of subject he is ready to think about."

R:Let's see where youre going with this

S:"My dear friend Reynar very few can speak about many things and still be wise, but none of us can speak constantly and pretend to be wise. When out mouths take the energy from our thought, we become like the sound of chatter in an uneducated audience during a concert. Beauty is coming out of the instruments and that is true wisdom, but unceasing chatter distracts and renders no interest. We must aim to be like the music in an orchestra, speaking at the right time, and saying the right words."

R: That is all very well Socrates, but is one not relax are we human beings made simply to talk about the deep mysteries of life? Is our life simply the discussing of philosophical treatises?

S: Is what is not hot cold, or is what is not wide narrow. There is a golden mean, we are not meant to simply talk philosophy but we must be careful, because the language which is a gift from the Gods and is so powerful might be rendered useless. Speaking noise is harmful to the soul, because the soul loses perspective of what is important.

R:Maybe i do see the light of reason in your words socrates? But what now? What is to be done?

S: My reynar continue your life, but first of all thank the gods for your successes, even though these successes alone do not make you. Use this new freedom and enter these new pursuits on their behalf, let your language show your piety and devotion to the gods. This is not done through unceasing debates about the nature of the gods, but through respect and honour and the continuous desire to get to know the gods better, because all that we build in the name of our own glory will fall, but that which stands eternal is done in the name of the gods.

{perhaps to be continued}

2009-05-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

What if I told you....

2009-04-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

What if i told you that all you have believed for a couple of months is a lie? What if i told you, you're losing focus of whats important? What if i told you where are you going and who are you going with?

What if i told you i had the solution? Would you take it? Would you wonder what it would it cost? Would you doubt it? Would you be cynical?

Would you pray? Would you believe?

But who is it that stops and listens to the wind?

2009-04-04T01:28:00.000-07:00

When you need to go to your friends blog to find a link to your own, thats when it is officially been too long since youve jotted down some of your subjective insights on this arena of thought....hehe big words....

today i want to talk a bit about listening because i just realised that i barely ever do it. in the humdrum of thoughts reflections and distractions it seems that silence in my mind occurs when i am unconscious or sleeping.

but who is it that stops and listens to the wind? the world around us is full of wonders and filled with great things which we simply skim over because we are much too much in a hurry to stop and savour the moment.

it's even worse when this happens and we dont listen to the people around us, maybe we a re a bit quick to assume that we know the people around us and don't bother looking deeper and listening to their life song with its crescendos and descendos. \

i think that that is one of the things which attracted people to Jesus, it was his ability to listen to people...to give them a space in which to manifest themselves and accept them without judging them for it, helping them to improve but passing on the message that they were accepted loved and that He knew who they were.

maybe as a christian i need to accept and listen more to the people around me, teaching and help come later but first comes the listening.

The Human Shout

2008-05-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

the human shout can represent so many things, pain, suffering, defeat, death, conquest, victory, tiredness, energy and passion, so many many things. Its difficult to mention them all. Exams, car license, lack of freedom and so many things make me want to shout, not in a squeamish kind of way.

A shout that everythings not over, that there is yet hope even if my mind there is none. The cry of the human spirit, recently ive been hearing this song...and its touched me, how much we can tell what were going through through a simple shout of the spirit. its amazing.

and now i will shout, a shout of victory through perseverance, a cry of hope, for all those who in some form or another are tasting defeat, shout with me....God is with us let us shout to Him our anger, frustration, sadness. He knows what we need and He will deliver us.....

Amen my friends

2007...

2007-12-31T09:27:00.000-08:00

following suit after simons blog

God

well things have changed alot since last year, things are more in focus and have learnt a multitutde of things, but also our relationship has grown deeper and more exciting, theres always something new with him. You really cant keep a handle on Him.

Self

Haha...woo i can truly say i am wielding a brand new self. Self esteem thoroughly imprved with more to go, yet at the same time learning to view myself as i truly am and loving myself warts n all.

Relationships

well started going out with sexy charleney lol...well this year saw some action in the whole women ares to the contraray of other years. almost nine months in a realtionship...damn never tot that was possible.

Acadmeically
well repating first year law, and got my biology intermediate with no o level in 4 months. got my efl (english a level equivalent) b

New stuff
taking driving lessons, lost twelve kg gained 18 :( lol , started gym and stopped tore a ligament in rugby, stopped rugy, tried handball...bleh stupid sport 3 months physiotherapy. worked as a teacher...sucked. friends ...heh things just got better

insomma paece and happy nye

The walk of the dead

2007-12-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

i remember seeing a scary movie film and one of the characters said, i see dead people,and i used to laugh at it and now, i look up to those people who have learnt to die.

not starting from the ass and starting from the head, ill paint you a picture, a choice rather you are walking down a road and you come to a fork and one side you see a road full of flames and then another road which is smooth. which one do you take? no there is no hidden trick no punchline nothing to deceive you. Youd obviously take the smooth path. What if you were wearing virtual reality glasses and could not see those flames and the two appeared to be smooth roads or they appeared to be contrary top what they are. Welcome to the world of inner hurt. in life choices are not difficult, they are painted so because we human beings wear glasses the glasses of our hurts, those hurts which are comfortable and do not want to be faced or moved, those glasses which control us much like the matrix and we think we are free.

just like neo, i want to free my mind. i want to die to these structures of hurt suppression fears and reactions, i want to be a free human being who lives for his own sake, not on the approval of others. You might think that im exaggerating (ironically i still care about what you are thinking) yet i assure you if only we could see how much we care about what others think of us. i pray that God breaks us loose of these stupid chains so that we can really start to love him and others around us, without loading them with our emotional baggages of fears and expectations...heh this aint gonna be easy or fun...well enjoy it while it lasts i guess
peace drew

Who am I?

2007-12-29T15:49:00.000-08:00

recently i was thinking about shutting down the blog, and please im not writing that so that i get a dozen comments, saying andrew no please stop dont this. No this isnt a cry for attention it is rather a chronicle of my life. To be precise the whole point of this blog is precisely the opposite.

I realise that all my life ive been trying to get attention, it isnt as simple as merely saying im not, you still remain. I llok at the mirror and do my hair in a certain way that the person i like will compliment me on. this applies less now that i have a girlfriend, yet still i catch myself fishing for a compliment from others. I do care what others think abt me and i want to be popular and well thought of, one might say drew theres nothing bad about that. Yes there is when it conditions your life so thoroughly and contaminates your motives.

I want to help people, and i want to help people for the bloody right reasons not so that i look all saintly and good in their eyes, or so that i get feedback and interpret it that way.i want to be set free of all this bullshit...i want to be a dead man as john says. I want to start doing things for the right motives and realy help pople and get nothing but gods gratitude in return

peace
Drew

Two wonderful songs

2007-10-14T02:13:00.000-07:00

Ubi Societas ibi Jus

2007-10-12T15:06:00.000-07:00

Rumour has it im still alive and kicking....if you want the truth im alive and losing some weight. Anyways back to my life and other misadventures. Im back in law studying once again for the course i thought id never touch again and curiously enough finding it quite interesting. A miracle in disguise...perhaps but a blessing nonetheless.

Lately i have been reading a book amongst others called the transformation of the inner man by john and paula sandford. this is a very interesting and challenging read for anyone who wants to see psychology from the christian perspective. Ive learnt alot and God has been teaching me as well many things. I wish to help people and love them into getting healed, it is rather frustrating though to wait on God's timing. You see i see whats wrong with some people, but i cant do anything about it simply because it isnt the right time to open one's mouth. This psushes me to question, whether my wanting to help others isnt from some innate desire to elevate myself above the other. Perhaps it is so im sure that in the course of events God will kill it. I need to grow too obviously (its easy to get lost in other peoples problems and forget you own).

Ive been six months with my bella charlene, hehe i never thought id get here and i thank God for every moment...even those spent wishing i had a gun, or a baseball bat at least. My bro is in uni holy .... the f%$#@) will finish university a year before me unbelievable. Im glad he got in, hes worked hard to get where he wants and im extermely proud of him. So congrats mark.

Hehhh the books are piling up theres so much knowledge and so little time....

Anyways no more moaning just the usual
Good night and Good luck
Gb ya all drewster

Golden Frustrations

2007-09-01T00:12:00.000-07:00

Recently things have been coming to a head. Responsibilities were weighing me down and as always my first reaction when it comes to sffering is to run for it. I sincerely spent a couple of hours wanting to stop growing in God.

Later on in the evening we went to funny farm, cheers pedro for the good chow, nice atmosphere will come there sometime. Anyway there i had sometime to talk to ian, and i truly realised how much i missed talking to him properly. But we decided to make amends.

Anyway after the funny farm ian decided he wanted a banana milkshake, no im not being a pervert he really wanted it. Anyways we had time for a good talk, and suddenly i started pouring out my frustrations out, after ian left and i walked her home i continued to do this.

And thats what i realised, i am someone who is extremely frustrated, many things and many situations are really bugging me, but i didnt have the time to voice my discontent so i kept it all in me, and a rage was building up in me slowly. It was literally tearing me apart, i was losing ym sanity.

Anyway after complaining all the way from macdonalds to gillieru me and char stopeed to have a chat :P in french lol, and after the most remarkable thing in the world happened. WE HAD GOLD DUST,BOTH OF US HAD GOLD DUST................JUST IN CASE IT HASNT REGISTERED GOLD DUSTTTTTTTTTTT. I was over the moon because ive never seen golddust properly and now i saw my girlfriend and myself full of it. It was great it reminded that God is with me and He understands my frustrations and is proud of the way I am dealing with certain situations.

It was such a healing and such a relief. Our God is an awesome God.

This is just the beginning

Gb and love
DRew

Discuss the difference between perceiving and sensing?! lofl

2007-08-27T05:06:00.000-07:00

This is a presentation that ian and i did at the beginning of last year

Bro's

2007-08-27T04:58:00.001-07:00

Welcome back

Profound Stupidity

2007-08-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

Im 19...never planned to live this long...i used to think that at 17 perhaps i would be having a close encounter with God. Its suddenly dawning upon me that i am slowly slwoly entering that dreaded realm of adulthood. Ive always considered myself a man not a boy, now im starting to carry the burdens of manhood.

To be more down to earth, i need a car and im repeating a year. This means that whetehr i like it or not i need to work. My parents arent going to sustain me indefinitely. I dont have some back breaking work, i just teach english to foreign students, three hours a day in Gzira. It isnt the work itself that bugs me but the fact that it doesnt just limit three hours of my day but many more. It takes me twenty minutes to get there and my father usually takes me there before. This means that i have to wake up early, and unlike other early wakings i am the teacher...this means i cant go asleep to a lesson and gently cruise into full consciousness at around 12 pm as i used to do at school. I have a responsibility, 12 students are paying me to improve their english..it would be dishonest for me not to try my utmost (without making the lesson boring) to teach them something even if all that is acquired is some more confidence with the language. Apart from this im trying to earn all the money i can and this means that any extra job coming my way i am taking it. This however means that my time is greatly limited by the time i spend actually working, the time i take to get there and back and the time i need to rest early or to rest after since id be drained. Apart from this there are my responsibilities in community, God is blessing me with many duties and i am happy, but my time and my energy is limited and i am running out. Apart from this i am going out with charlene. Had i been single the problem wouldnt have been that bad as i alone carry the brunt of the consequences of my actions, but i am not. If i want this relationship to work out, and i do, i have to spend time with her and this means i have less and less time.

This i feel is the introduction to the adult world, things wont get much better, im not illuding myself. I just feel a bit stretched at the moment and i felt like sharing it with...erm basically myself.

Lol

Anyways after feeling all adult i was getting a break down so i decided to do something profoundly stupid as the title suggests, i decided to cut my hair with the shaver that i bought from gibraltar. Well it was all going ok until the clip flew and i sahved my hair on 0, lol, anyways after a few attempts i decided i needed a barber. I went out into bugibba and found 2 barber shops closed, one doesnt open mondays the other was closed for that week...just my freakin luck...im already looking like a circus freak...children fleeing the site of my uncapped head and now all i need is the uncooperation of these damn lazy barbers.

Phone in hand...dial number by heart, Hey there char..erm i had an accided *laughing in the background* Omg what did u do....i tell her my story. Shes like i know a place, she phones a couple of minutes later and says Youve got an appointment at 5.

We go there and.....and.....(drum roll).......the hairdresser starts laughing at me and tells me how we made her day. Just my luck. Hairdresser consults my Lord and Lady/Manager/Dictator/Girlfriend Charlene and they decide to go for a shave with the machine. the results you can judge for yourself.

Anyways im off

Good night and Good luck

Love you all, even you pains in the ass:P

Gbu Drew

Monkey Shit

2007-08-06T04:52:00.000-07:00

Today i was remembering an incident which happened on the outreach....charlene i know im dead.

Well Gibraltar is well known for a mountain like structure found in its midst called the rock. It is also well known because monkeys inhabit this Rock. Well on our outreach we happened to go to the Rock to do some sightseeing...the view is marvellous. I never thought id see three countries from one place.

Anyways being the usual macho 'out to prove im not scared of anything' type i decided to pet these monkeys and even hold their hands. Anyways all went well until one moneky gave me its hand and it felt a little moist. Unbeknownst to me was that the monley had just wiped its ass and had shit all over its hands, not only did it dirty my hands, which wouldnt have been to bad as i would have simply washed them as i later did but it also wiped with my jeans. A big splosh of gibraltar monkey shit, some souvenir eh?

Anyways thanks to my loving girlfriend who overcame her squeamish impulses and done what im sure very few other girls would do...got some wipes and wiped the shit off as it was too far for me to reach. Thank you Charlene.

Anyways just thought id entertain your life with one of my recent adventures or rather misadventures.

Good night and Good luck.
God bless
Love Drew

Lieyers, Outreaching....and being in general

2007-08-01T07:13:00.000-07:00

Right, as you have probably figured out ive failed the law course...no real big disappointment there. To put it simply i didnt deserve to pass, i didnt study enough. It would have been unfair on my mates if i with a few hours of studying compared to their months of studying would have passed the exams. That said however ive decided to repeat the law course once again....ouch thats quite a dent to my pride...i Andrew Camilleri repeating....ah well as Karl would say , "Shit happens." Anyway this is also good cos this time round ive got some experience and i know the basics so i will not the find the first few months as chaotic and as confusing as i did this year.

Next paragraph, just came from outreach. For those of you who are asking the fundamental question...............Yes im still going out with my girlfriend Charlene. I know, I know you ladies are disappointed, better luck next time :P. Anyways this outreach was a really breath of fresh air. Got back to praying....once again life is getting interesting...prophecies and all. For all of you who wonder what my hectic and crazy life is all about i invite you to a healing service....

Being in general...well driving is going pretty well...Pedro said im a pretty good driver...im a beginner obviously but well no one was born running as i say. Well decided to keep my job and im currently tteaching for Lal insitute of studies everyday from 8-12.30 so if uve got nothing to do and ure next to forestals in gzira drop by and say hello...im free from 8-9 and from 10.30 - 11 and from 12.30 onwards....especially those than proceeding to going up to bugibba after 12.30....well what can i say i tried. Im also trying to find a job a part time job in winter to sponsor my having a car....so please if you know of any avialable opportunities drop me a letter.

Good night and Good Luck
God bless ya All
Love DREW

Enuf said

2007-07-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

What the hell am i going to do now?

A time to blog

2007-07-01T01:42:00.000-07:00

Summer is with once again...ahhhhh at long last after a year of academic perspiration we can finally start perspiring once again again due to the tremendous heat but in a more relaxed way.

Well what can i say...this year has been quite the year. Ive done my EFL exam which is an a level english equivalent, my biology intermediate (which i dont have an o level in) and finally my law exams (with just a couple of hours at best studying for the exams). Around 18 examinations in all if my calculations are correct.

Yet somehow something is missing, ive worked really hard this year and can say that thank God ive almost managed to do the impossible (results are still coming out issa naraw). Yet somehow i feel lethargic about this summer. Normally my summer days are filled with plans and yet now somehow even the planning today seems diffifcult.

That aside, i will tell you of some interesting anecdotes ive had over this past month.

1) walking into an exam saying jokes while your friends are dying from all the panic
2) having you friend lecture you about sartre and heidegger and reading his notes twice and getting the same mark he did i.e. 65
3) driving at 80 km/h in your first driving lesson
4) teaching english to 13 lazy ass italians on a roof from 9- 12.45
5) quitting the next day because you believe that this is against human rights
6) feeling sick on friday evening, by friday night you dont sleep at all because youre whole face is blocked so instead u watch a dvd on your laptop than go editing the interviews with the archbishop leaving bugibba at 6.30
7) going to a bbq that night and have your first attempt at stand up comedy, which is quite a succcess.

these are somethings that happened to me this month im off...hope i pass the rest of my exams

Good nite and good luck
Drew

Two months

2007-06-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

Well today is my two month anniversary...with this woman...author of such controversies as the angels with prejudices against fat people and the relikwa ta padre pio....just wanted to say its been a great two months...laughed my ass of on many occasions enjoyed every moment of it (perhaps not the moaning :P)...ure a great girl charlene.

Good night and Good luck

God bless

Drew

You found me when no one when no one else was looking...

2007-05-31T15:54:00.000-07:00

Well criminal law went well...thank god what kirsten predicted came out. I think i might have scratched a pass. We'll see. It seems in the eman time that i have lost all my avid fans...hehe only charlene i think reads this and she does it to be polite...hehe imma insomma....i nver wrote this to impress anyone this was meant to be a diary of my thought of my life and anything worth writing down. Ive decided that this blog is to be dedicated to me in the future...so andrew camilleri in 5-25 years time....hello hehe...i hope you lost some weight...as you can see you have had your sense of humour since a young age. I want to remind you about the first time you met God...well properly anyways. Forgive the typing. WEll you were in sixth form first year...two years ago. You had encountered philosphy and had started doubting all that you had previously held to be true. People still thought that you were religous, you were invited to a retreat where you had to give talks to youth. You were a walking disaster...siritually you were dry and desperate ...you had this empty feeling that no amount of alcohol and friendhsips could take away. You were alone...you had nor real friends...luke was with lyanne back then and lauro was well lauro a good friend but the fact sometimes he didnt display his emotions kind of put a barrier in our friendship. Ian was avoiding you because of many reasons. Anyways you were at tas silg...and brother emanuel was giving you a talk about sexuality it was i belive. It doesnt really matter you didnt hear a word of what he said...but when you looked out onto the fields...Paracleitus came. You werefilled with the presence again. At long last your soul breathed a sigh of relief. It didnt last too long but it was enough and till now it has been with you with its ups and downs. Remember drew...you are nothing without Him. Youve tried living without Him and you cant...if it wasnt for michael in form 3 the roof would have been more inviting that you thought it would. You love Him.

Currently listening to a song you found me by kelly clarkson...really great song that touched my heart.

Good night and good luck
God bless you all
Drew

Lordy dont leave me....all by myself

2007-05-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

Dear God ive never spoken to you in my blog...but in my desperation i want to. Please dont leave me on my own....im feeling very vulnerable and i am greatly tired my mind simply wants to shut down....you want me to do these exams for some reason........help me through them. Tomorrow i have criminal anoint kirsten with the gift of telling me what is coming out for exams....i believe...and i know your mercy is big....i know i dont deserve this....i could have studied more law during biology had i wanted to.

Dont abandon me now in this hour of great need...im a sinner and im drowning...bring me out of this pit........thank you because you have already answered my prayers

Amen.

DYING TO SELF

2007-05-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dying to Self

When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take in all in patient, loving silence.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any impunctuality, or any annoyance; when you stand face-to- face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility-and endure it as Jesus endured.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you are content with any food, any offering, any climate, any society, any raiment, any interruption by the will of God.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

Are you dead yet? In these last days, the Spirit would bring us to the cross.

"That I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death." Phil.3:10

OTHERS MAY YOU CANNOT !

If God has called you to be really like Jesus, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility, and put upon you such demands of obedience, that you will not be able to follow other people, or measure yourself by other Christians, and in many ways He will seem to let other people do things which He will not let you do.

Other Christians and ministers who seem very religious and useful, may push themselves, pull wires, and work schemes to carry out their plans, but you cannot do it, and if you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent.

Others may boast of themselves, of their work, of their successes, of their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing, and if you begin it, He will lead you into some deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works.

Others may be allowed to succeed in making money, or may have a legacy left to them, but it is likely God will keep you poor, because He wants you to have something far better than gold, namely, a helpless dependence upon Him, that He may have the privilege of supplying your needs day by day out of an unseen treasury.

The lord may let others be honored and put forward, and keep you hidden in obscurity, because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade. He may let others be great, but keep you small. He may let others do a work for Him and get the credit for it, but He will make you work and toil on without knowing how much you are doing; and then to make your work still more precious, He may let others get credit for the work which you have done, and thus make your reward ten times greater when Jesus comes.

The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch over you, with a jealous love, and will rebuke you for little words and feelings or for wasting your time, which other Christians never feel distressed over. So make up your mind that God is an infinite Sovereign and has a right to do as He pleases with His own. He may not explain to you a thousand things which puzzle your reason in His dealings with you, but if you absolutely sell yourself to be his love slave, He will wrap you up in a jealous love, and bestow upon you many blessings which come only to those who are in the inner circle.

Settle it forever, then, that you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit, and that He must have the right to tie your tongue, or chain your hand, or close your eyes, in ways that He does not seem to use with others. Now, when you are so possessed with the living God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar, personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the vestibule of Heaven.

Goodbye Biology...or so i hope

2007-05-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

Updates Update Updates....well today i had my biology intermediate exam and i felt that i went well. Thats four months work in there and quite alot of money thanks mum......i also recevied my efl results....seems like im an offical teacher...hehe. Its been a month and a half now with charlene...weve had our ups and our downs, but im enjoying every second of this relationship. I know that most of you readers dont care but this is more of a personal diary than for you nasty comments :P Was talking to a friend today and i saw a great difference between his gf and mine...started appreciating mine more. REspectful and honest....rare qualities my friends rare qualities indeed. Now the only exams left are the law exams....God help us all.

Good night and Good luck

Drew

B.astards O.nto R.eading E.cstatic D.etectives

2007-05-10T02:06:00.001-07:00

B.astards O.nto R.eading E.cstatic D.etectives

2007-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

bore2 /bɔr, boʊr/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[bawr, bohr] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, bored, bor·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1.
to weary by dullness, tedious repetition, unwelcome attentions, etc.: The long speech bored me. –noun
2.
a dull, tiresome, or uncongenial person.
3.
a cause of ennui or petty annoyance: repetitious tasks that are a bore to do.
[Origin: 1760–70; of uncert. orig.]
—Synonyms 1. fatigue, tire, annoy.
—Antonyms 1. amuse; thrill, enrapture.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

From swashbuckling adventures to studying biology at home everyday for a couple of hours....well these pictures say it all. Thank God the damn thing will be over by monday because its getting on my last nerve. Well enjoy this tribute to boredom.

Talking Talks

2007-04-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

Well a small update on my life...LAst friday at community i gave a small talk about what Love in the community should be and what we should avoid. It seems my words hit home since everyone agreed.

Frankly i was a bit scared, i thought that my age would be used against me...foul mouthed 19 yr olds talking abt uncomfortable things dont tend to go well with the general populace...that said i knew that what i was saing was right...and more importantly it was coming from God.

After the talk many people came and complimented me. It was really easy to look them in the eye, smile and take all the glory....but as we know we are only messengers. It seems that soon i will receive my ministry...i know it will involve giving talks, but i hope it wont stop there i feel that there is more i can give to God. Well i suppose we'll see wont we...everything in God's hands as always.

i would like to end with a quote that struck me:

"It is the spirit and not the form of law that keeps justice alive."

In brief this is the reason why i am leaving law. I dont see the point of studying countless laws by heart, when no one is aiming at true justice but rather at social order. What is the point of studying something which taken out of its proper context i.e. being a lawyer of some sort would be pointless? What benefit is there when what i study doesnt broaden my mind but just bag of facts? Am i just a walking hard disk? Will i be able to be in touch with peoples problems and help them?

Those are the questions which have made my mind up...or rather their answers.....No i dont want to learn all the laws when there is no justice, i dont want to learn all the laws and then find out it is for nothing if i dont become a lawyer because no other profession uses such knowledge, i dont want to learn something that doesnt help broaden my understanding of the nature of reality we live in, i am not a walking hard disk....im a think, reasoning human being....and no i will not i will either be caught behind a suit waiting ten or so years in a damn court or else do the thing i hate the most or one of em....enter business and be e.g. a company secretary and a lawyer.....

The Love of my life - status quo

2007-04-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Intriguing title one might say...but first of all....i have to welcome back a part of me which was given a break due to the fact that, i now have a girlfriend....her name is charlene. This has led me to spend a couple of weeks and days in a thoughtless state....it was nice, but my mind needs to work and figure things out. Else id feel slightly useless.

i think that one of the greatest things human love is the status quo, that is human beings love things as they are...without any form of change....even if the situation is shitty and one is suffering. Sometimes our lives moves by the maxim that a known evil is better than an unknown good. This is the point that i wish to contend. PPL wake UP! If ur suffering....dont get used to it and accept it as a natural part of life. Pls do not for the sake of laziness accept anything which is not what it should be. Im referring to both to ur internal being and the external situations abt you. Do not be afraid of change...sometimes we get used to the shitpool we live in and forget our search for better things. Pls do not stop, all you 3 or 4 readers keep on searching for better things. Never give up....for the christian readers...the kingdom of God is at hand...claim it damn it. Claim ur healing...claim ur needs...uke 7:7 ask and you shall receive...keep pestering God till you receive what you need. Show u are determined and u will receive and in abundance. I can testify to that!

Good night and good luck....
Drew

5th april

2007-04-06T00:30:00.000-07:00

5 april...hmmmmm....a day to remember....282....good place....good prices...recommended....thats abt it lol.

p.s. woohoo

Life til now

2007-04-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

La vie cést tre bon lol....yup heres the long awaited update to my avid fans. Im sorry i have abandoned you.

Started gym and running....finally the bloody ligament is healing up and im looking fitter with my bulging biceps lol....just kidding. Going there with michael....and matthew but matthew is pussying out i think lofl. P.s. michael is a damn sadist, the way he makes you do those damn exercises....il marell marell

Getting close to someone...and really enjoying every moment of it lol....this persons really a bit crazy but dont tell her....her docs..who visit her regularly due to her geographic stationing might get annoyed lofl.

Studying bio *cough* enuf said.

Acting as St Peter....really feel i can understand this man...lets see how that goes

Law sucks

Filming 4given and will sometime edit.....BOOM MIC YOUR DAY WILL COME!

Cant wait for outreach....thats abt it for you guys...my life updated...

song recomended:- skillet- rebirthing

Follow the white rabbit

2007-03-17T03:34:00.000-07:00

This seemingly nonsensical post in fact has alot of thought behind it, lol...i know i need a hobby

The currency of self esteem

2007-03-06T12:21:00.000-08:00

Lately i was thinking about self esteem and how this affects human raeltions. It is a very intriguing variable.

i went on to think about what buffs up our self esteem. What makes us think were good at something and bad at something else. Does real skill have anything to do with it or is merely the mental concpetion of ourselves which determine how well we do something the first time for example.

I think that many of us are on a mission of proving ourselves. Most of us want to higher their self esteem. Ive realized how many of us need human attention. We need people to tell us were good, were handsome, were exciting....were worth their love.

Many of us put on masks and hide who they truly are because their mask is more effective at gaining attention, theyd rather change their character, their essence...rather than live a life unackowledged. i knew that man is a social animal as marx says. But are we to this extent?

Do we need human attention so much? What happens if we dont get it? Is it where the problems arise? Is the need to attract human attention something that im born with or something that i learn is desireable from my parents or those who raise me up?

Are we slaves of our self esteem, acting in order to get the most attention possible? Can we be happy if noone cares about us? Can we be set free of this mind boggling cruel cycle?

I believe that we can. I believe that that is why we need God, well one of the reasons. Whenever we get human attention, it comes at a price. People give their attention to what they think is worthy of the aforementioned. This means that to achieve attention from people we need to excel in what they consider is worthy. But what if that is different from whom we truly are? What if the person who God created excels at different things? We still need that attention, we really do. If no one gives us feedback, we go mad beacuse we are comunicative beings. Thats why we need our relationship with God. God will give us the attention we need, and in return he will only ask us to become like him, and that is not such a bad proposition at all. Its better than changing for a guy/girl, for a group, for ur parents, for ur friends. All these might change you, but you have no guarantee its for the best. with God such a guarantee is not even neccesary because He will do that. Im not saying that we should all become hermits, but we need someone who loves as we are, or better who loves as we are and wants us to be the best we could be. I propose this as an alternative to seeking attention from someone who migjht chanfe for the worse.

Good night and good luck

A brilliant night.

2007-03-04T14:59:00.000-08:00

I dont normally write about my day, its normally my thoughts which are at the forefront of this blog. Today i must make an exception. Today after filming mark invited us to go eat a pizza and to go his house, we arrived alte and ended up going to the pizza straight away. Anyways whilst we were there, i had the most brilliant evening in quite some time. We didnt do anything extravagant, just eat and we didnt drink any alcohol. But everyone on the table was discussing problems and dilemmas with God and philosophy. I loved it, i never felt so human and so close to miguel,simon and ian (my side of the table). We all pass through the same things, incredible. We feel the same way and we react to it likewise. I am amazed, ive never felt so close to my brothers. We did nothing special but i can say that it has been the best evening in a couple of months. thank you God.

Faith

2007-03-03T05:07:00.000-08:00

Carl, Lauro and all you avid truth seekers, this blog is for you.

I am a philosopher. Not in the modern culturally stigmatized sense, but in the old greek way. I am a lover of wisdom. I love wisdom in any form, both theoretical and practical. I am a person who loves reason and loves thinking. I say this not in any way to boast, but because im going to say something about who i am which might seem contradictory to all this. I have a relationship with a loving God.

Carl, i used to think that philosophy would allow me to understand everything around me. It would help me determine whether there was a God and find a defined reality. Unfortunately philosophy did nto give me such a thing. I am in no way arguing against philosophy. Philosophy is a very useful tool, it helps one keep a coherent and clear argument, it helps one not to contradict himself. But in my experience it never was a source of truth. The problem with philosophy is that to every logical argument, there is an equally logical counter argument. The same applies to the question of God. I can get a myriad of arguments to prove the existence of God, i can speak about cases, medically proven. But you Carl being the intelligent person you are (i dont mean this in any way but sincerely), will find counter arguments and whatever we will say will always remain in balance. Sometimes as a philosopher in the modern sense, i wouldnt be able to contradict you because you will have valid logic and valid premises.

However personal experience will tell me that thigns are different, even though your argument makes sense. Thats why Carl i will tell you the secret of my belief and my faith. It isnt by any power that is found within my mind, but because God reached out and touched me. More importantly because i allowed God to do so. So i wont argue, i wont try and convince you why or why not you should be a christian. You know these arguments and im sure you have in your sleeves a couple of very valid counter arguments. If you really want to know, what im really on about, wherever you are, at whatever time...just say this prayer, it wont cost you much. God, if you exist....show me, Prove to me your existence, quench all my doubt and show me your existence....Then lot God do the rest.

Remember youve got nothing to lose.

God bless
Drew

Its all a load of bollocks...

2007-02-27T01:19:00.000-08:00

Anyone who is interested in fully understanding this blog, must before read my previous one. Lately i have been told, that i am overanalytical. i think too much and i analyze people too much. I was really taken aback when these things were said. I asked around and had this opinion confirmed. WELL IVE GOT ONE THING TO SAY...BOLLOCKS!

yesterday i went to mass at uni, and the reading from leviticus i believe said, warn your neighbour lest you be responisble for his sins. That phrase got me thinking and i came out with several conclusions.

1. We have responsibility, dont deny it or turn your face the other way, if you see soemthing which is wrong and do nothing to make it right, you are responsible for it

2. Of course thinking is inconvenient for everyone, what i normally come up with during my thoughts are the truth. The truth is bloody inconvenient to everyone, and it gives no one pleasure to admit that what they are doing is wrong.

3. To those who claim i over analyze, this is not true. Human beings especially when they unite themselves in a group and get to know each other pretty well, give off signs of their seepest thoughts and intentions. this is ok if noone can see these things. i can say that sometimes i catch these giveaway signs. If people are uncomfortable with this, then it is their problem, its not my fault that i realise these things. If people want their thoughts not to be understood than they should live alone, that way no one can understand whats going on in your mind. If you decide to live in a group, one must accpet the potential danger that at sometime or another people are going to understand something about you with you having said it.

This means that im back, being a pain in the ass as usual. Im not changing my character for anyone. If anyone objects that im too thoughtful and that i overanalyze, well im sorry theres nothing i can do about that. I can only say that my analysis of people (which happens unconsciously, i dont even realize that i do it) is used for good purposes. The fruit of my thoughts and my analyzing people has led to a greater sensitivity from my part towards theirs. im not saying i never made a mistake, because it has happened but i always apologized when it did. This is who i am, if people feel uncomfortable around me, than im sorry it is not my problem. I cant change my God given character just because people are afraid that i will see something about them which is not right. Because come on lets all admit it, if you know youre doing everything in truth and honesty and justice, you wouldnt care that people realised. Its only when you want to keep things hidden that you find the analysis of nosy parkers like me disrupting.

Ive had enough of character changing sessions, ive had enough of people using my character as the targer for what they find is inconvenient, i am an honest person who tries his utmost not to hurt people. I try to live my life as honestly as possible. Ive made, am doing and will do mistakes, but i can safely say that i try as much as possible to avoid them. And when i do and i realise that ive made a mistake, i try to make up for it by apologizing or if there is any other remedy i will try it.

If people cannot appreciate who i am, than i refuse to take responsibility for it, and stay worrying how i can accomodate them. Im not a whore im a God's man. I will strive to change those qualities which are inherently wrong, but i will not change those which are simply inconvenient. Ive never heard Jesus saying, Thou shalt not analyse....or stuff like that. I will live by the twwo greatest commandments: Love your God, and Love others. I will quote Kurt cobain...Id rather be hated for who i am, than be loved for who im not. I have a duty to be myself, because if you search the world far and wide, you will never find another person like me.

Those who feel that what i say is bullshit have every right to ignore it, but i wont carry the burden of someone elses sin on my conscience, because i did not try to warn them that what they were doing is wrong. I have my own sins to worry for, i cant take responisbility for others' sin. From this day on, im going to say all that i see, in prayer, with gentleness and perhaps with previous consultation with someone more experienced than me. But i will say it, and i wont close my eyes and stick my head deep down into the sand. The ability to see things and to realized things is a gift from God, it doesnt make the one who has it popular, but understand this, i do not intend to waste somethign that is God given, because that my friends is a great sin. REmember the one who had only one talent, and who hid it in the ground, what he had was taken and it was given to someone else. That will not be happening in my case.

I think in some previous blog i said that i needed to find myself again, well i can pretty damn sure tell you that ive made a great step over these past two days.

i will end with a quote i found and i will let the two perhaps three people who read my blog think about it...i hope you understand.

Henry Ward Beecher:
It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Switching off

2007-02-24T02:58:00.000-08:00

After having three very interesting conversations, with roderick, ian and simon. I have taken a decision. Ive realised that since i was sixteen, i have given alot of my time to thinking. In itslef this is nothing wrong, however when this is applied to your friends and family. The situation isnt quite the same. Today ive taken a decision, im not going to think about people anymore or their situation. If anyone needs my help or my advice, i am here, but apart from that im going to be blind to what goes on in peoples head. Its their business, if theyre so keen, they can come talk to me abt it.

This means changes in my blogs, the philosophic content will diminsih
and im now going to give you updates on my life, if you dont like it ur prob!

Regarding Emotions

2007-02-22T16:21:00.000-08:00

Lately this blog craze is catching up with me. Like every craze that i find myself subject to, i am not completely adherent to it. My blog is about my thoughts. These are the dilemmas i find myself in. They range from the purely spiritual as was my other blog, to the practical day to day questions every human being asks. So here i am asking myself what the hell do i do with emotions?

I believe that one can never solve a problem if one does not define the components of such a problem adequately. What are emotions? Here i must say that i am puzzled. Some may argue that emotions are merely some sort of chemicals stored up in the brain that when released give us certain sensations. Personally i find this view not incorrect but incomplete. I belive that there is more that just a chemo-physico response. Some argue that these same emotions are what make us human. So in order to find a working defintion of such troublesome things, i will conclude that emotions are feelings both chemically induced and otherwise, which allow us to feel and be sensitive to the world around us.

Hence the real problem arises, what does one do with emotions? I will be very truthful, emotions scare me. Emotions in my opinion do not use objective criteria to judge situations. People who are emotional go trhough life by what they feel, their actions depends on their mental state. This makes these people pretty unstable and unpredictable people. One must than look at the other extreme, those people who deny any form of emotionality and completely harden their heart so as to lose their capability to feel. Both as one can see are not desireable. The questions i propose to my audience (lol now im getting abit ahead of myself arent i?) is this. What if you have an emotion, that is acting in contrary to reason? Some would say i would ignore it....what if its a nagging emotion? I would deny it, been there done that got the the tshirt and the mug. When that happened, it was only a temporary truce, because as soon as their was half a moment for these emotions to come venting out, they came with great force, and i did things which i later regretted.

So what does one do? How does one live with a strong emotion? How does one act contrary to a large force acting within one to act the other way?

I havent got any easy or convenient prepackaged answers, this isnt mathematics. I can only say one thing that has kept me going in dealing with these emotions and not allowing to dominate my mind. Accept them, stop denying their existence and dont follow them blindly. Accept that they are there and that they are strong, but still retain your freedom. And even when retaining your freedom this means going against your emotions, accept its presence there and give it a place within your heart and move on. Id be lying if i said that some tough times wont ensue, when ud really feel like going back on your decision...but they pass. And by time you will be able to live more easily with the decision, because while the emotion will still be there (if it is strong enough) it loses its hold over you.

Enough philosophizing and enough talk its late enough already.

Good night and Good Luck,
Drew

Let go and Let God

2007-02-22T01:53:00.000-08:00

The title of my blog, is an interesting nickname i had seen on a friends msn. It is a nick that made me reflect alot. What does letting go entail? What does letting God entail?

Since i have alot of free time on my hands, i decided to reflect about these two clauses and give out a reflection for anyone interested.

LET GO

In many letters of St paul, we find a concept that i'd like to call the 'old man'. This is the person who we all once were, before meeting Jesus in our life. Some universal characteristics of this old man, are normally hardness of heart. In Jesus' own words , "I will give you a human heart." This insensitivity stops us from empathizing with peoples suffering, and stops us from recognizing evil at times. Letting go normally implies, the process in which slowly slowly a christian, starts letting go of the old man, and starts becoming more like Jesus. Many people think that when one converts to christianity, suddenly theyve all reached sainthood and that theyre now in heaven, without suffering being part of their life. Im sorry to shatter any dreams, but that is completely false. When you convert it is merely the begining of the journey, not the end. Our aims are the fruits of the spirit which are love,joy,peace,gentleness, self control,kindness, patience, goodness and faithfulness. It is not an easy process, but we are not alone, and in the words of a beautiful psalm "though i may stumble, i will not fall, becuase You are holding me". Sometimes this process of letting go, goes a bit further than that. Sometimes God asks to give up our own dreams for our own good, in my life when God had asked me to give something up, and i did, i was to benefit. Its not at all easy, but i reason, the more you give God space, the more He will act in your life.

Let God.

This is another loaded statement, many times in my own life i was blind. Blind to what was gooing on within me and what was going on outside of me. These were the moments where the only thing that kept me going and gave me a line of action, was again God's words. These were times of confusion, or times where i simply was so emotional that it blinded every effort at rationality from my part. At these times, faith in the Father is what is needed. Let me be a witness to the fact, that whenever i followed this (and there were times i didnt) i gre both in my relationship with God and with other people, only good came out of it, despite the initial difficulty.

Anyways people, just wanted to tell you all this, because again im passing through a moment where, i need your prayers, because i need faith and to trust God. I need to realise that my blind self would only bump into walls if there wasnt that guiding hand.

ill finish off with a saying i really really like.

You can never outgive God. i know its a bit selfish, but when you give what you have i believe that you will be emptying yourself to receive more.

Anyways arrivederci.

caw caw

2007-02-20T01:33:00.000-08:00

A couple of pics 2

2007-02-20T01:30:00.000-08:00

2007-02-19T16:23:00.000-08:00

Some experiments with photoshop

Wonderful Weekend

2007-02-19T15:51:00.001-08:00

As youd have probably realised by now, i rarely ever write a blog about whats going on in my life, normally its more of an expression of whats going on in my head.

However i must talk about what a wonderful weekend this was, once again i am set free to walk my path with God. Alot of hurts which were keeping me down have been healed, and i started finding myself again. The old sense of humour is back...lol i pity those around me. But is deeper than just that, over these three months ive lost much of who i was. I think that i lost much that made my character a rich one. Thank God, im back on track...ive even clarified some things that needed to be dealt. Therefore for the first time since December, NO LOOSE ENDS. No maybes or perhaps. Its just me and God, like the old times.

To be honest im relieved, many times during this period i was close to insanity, and this isnt a mere exageration, i was on the border of losing it. Now its recovery time. A time to find myself completely and to grow. Im not illuding myself that this is going to be a fun period, because the truth isnt always pleasant to say the least, especially when the topic is self-discovery. However i have seen a latin phrase and i believe that it fully applies to this situation - Amor vincit omnia. it means love conquers all...and the more i walk this path, the more i believe it. Nothing stands in the way of love, especially God's love.

Insomma ppl's im off, just want to say i miss you guys...glad we're all becoming close again, lets conitnue to do so.

Good night and good bye...

The most ambitous topic...

2007-02-16T01:27:00.000-08:00

W_O_M_E_N

According to Nietzche,women make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

Today i was reading matthews blogs and his comments on how one should keep close to their loved ones, and talk so as to clear out any problems. I was thinking, perhaps i shouldnt write anything on my blog, but then i see a comment from carl...who as always disagrees with what i say, but i was so happy that i decided to write something down on the matter. CARL IM EXPECTING A COMMENT, only you bother to read my whole blog :(

Back to topic, women are a strange species, which speak a different language than men. i can justify this claim using my experiences. I can bear witness to the humongous fuck ups that have occured on msn when i spoke to women, and where i was deeply misunderstood.

Now chris geordimania, i agree with you completely. Many times the problems lay in the fact, that women themselves are not sure of what they want. I want to add to this, sometimes women know exactly what they want....the best of both worlds. I have observed that when men are trying to take a decision, they see things in black or white. I either go here or there. They normally see choices as packages, with things that they like and others that they dont. Yet still they accpet the package as is, and decide. I wont go into the merits of whether the decision is right or wrong, but what im discussing here is the attitude that men normally take when confronted with a decision. Women on the otherhand dont see choices and decisions in the same way, they classify the choices in what they like and what they dont like. They try many times to bend the choice and take the decision which gives them no displeasure but merely pleasure. This is a generalization obviously, and this does not apply to all women and even those who do this thing frequently sometimes take on the atitude most commonly taken by men. It is a curious thing though to examine. i believe that it is for this reason that women are many times so indecisive, it is because subconsciously they are trying to find a way of getting all the advantages without getting the disadvantages. Unfortunately when this atitude is adopted towards other human beings, it has a great potential to produce hurts and pain...i can bear witness to that as well.

Emotions...ahh this phrase...lol. Emotions are something that have a deep impact on a womans reasoning. Men are by default rational....there are no ways of going about it. As i have found out men rationalize about everything even about scrunch or bend (carl ill explain this later). There are times when men take irrational decisions, true. However many times a man has a perfectly good reason why he is doing something. (Good as in prefectly logical, not morally good.) Women have the capacity to go by rationality and logic. However i have observed that many times their feelings and emotions are to powerful to ignore to coldhearted logic. It is at this point that things get immensely screwed up. A woman loses any virtue of predictability. One can pretty easily forecast what a man will do, and if one knows that man personally than, probability is that you will know how that person wil react exactly in that situation. A woman on the otherhand has great randomness. A man can get used to patterns of behaviour, a man can get used to a woman acting emotionally, or a woman acting rationally. What a man will never know is in a particular circumstance which mode of behaviour will she choose.

For justice's sake, i am compelled to say, that men can be emotional too. This makes a man very dangerous, because while rationality is what leads a man's actions, men have very powerful emotions too. If these are not very well guarded by rationality, than man becomes an animal. An intelligent animal, that sees no borders, no limits to seperate him from what he wants. I am scared when a man becomes emotional, because until the time that rationality has some sort of hold over the man, one can communicate and allow this rationality to take more ground. But you can never talk to a man who is overrun by his emtions. This a sad but very accurate truth.

Insomma ive chattered enough, feel free to add or contend my arguments, respectfully as always. The point of this blog wasnt to offend or be sexist, but to really expose my thoughts on how women function.

I'll end with two quotes:-

I have understood the mysteries of the universe but i'll never understand women -Some merlin film

Women are meant to be loved not understod- Matt's baci message

Of trials and tribulations

2007-02-05T03:21:00.000-08:00

I would like to start this post by sharing some of the things i learnt in the lectures i attended of philosophy of action, the one i was awake for anyways. Let us start off by talking about an action. A suitcase that was filled with explosives is left on a plane and while the plane is flying this suitcase explodes resulting in a precipitation of the plane.

One argues that the action of putting the suitcase on the plane is equal to saying that one exploded the plane, this is because one says BY putting the suitcase on the plane, i exploded the plane. So the statement, i put the suitcase on the plane, and i exploded the plane describe the same action because it is by the putting of my suitcase that i exploded the plane. They are not two seperate actions but in fact they are two different descriptions to the same action.

Enough technicalities, i will move to the spiritual domain because that was where my dilemma lay. Over time christians have claimed that the problems that they were currently passing through were SENT to them by God. Dr John has argued, that normally we are the authors of our own problems and occasionally God uses a problem or trial to teach us and to show us why we should be humble or teach us some lesson.

As i was thinking about this, i kept getting stuck on a point...i reasoned that if God had the power to stop a problem and he didnt, than by not stopping the problem it was just as good as sending them. This reasoning falls short on two accounts.

God does not send us any problems, it is the content of our hearts that creates these problems. Let us take my previous blog, where i was adopting the worlds standards and use that as an example. One could argue that, the fact that i was not accepting God, God wasnt going to force me into accepting Him, so He gently retreated away so as to leave me free to choose my life and to travel my own paths. While i was passing through this hard time, i started thinking to myself why is God sending me all these problems, why is nothing going well. What has changed? I realised that God is eternal and unchanging and that the only other variable in the equation is myself, and the latter is prone to change. I realised that in adopting something which is not from God, something imperfect that this would quickly fall short and wouldnt give me the peace that my heart desires. I had brought on myself the problems, because as soon as i rejected God, i rejected his protection and His help.

So whenever you are passing through an unusually hard time, look deeply within yourself. Find the cause, search for the fork in which you departed your ways from Gods ways, and if you know whats good for you, return to it and take the other fork.

Praise You in this storm

2007-02-04T15:38:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since i last posted a blog...forgive me for all those who bother reading these thoughts of mine. Alas my brothers and sisters, friends and relatives, it is with a heavy heart that i write this blog, for reasons my own...which i do not intend to discuss.

i want to dedicate this blog towards inner reflection, lately i have discovered a couple of things which are not quite what they should be. One of this is that deep in my unconscious lie the goals and objectives as laid down by the world. This means that after a year and a half as a christian i still havent adopted the fruits of the spirit as my ultimate aim in life. I still havent adopted love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control as my criteria for sucess. Sucess lies still in the depths of mind and heart as being what the world considers to be succesful.

I have realised how much this has limited me in my spiritual growth because a man lives for what he worships. If a man worships the world (knowingly or not) than he will strive to live with the worlds standards, a man who has given his life to God will strive to live with God's absolute standards. This has kept me back from knowing God in greater depth because i wasnt accepting what is His and retaining my hardness of heart.

It is easy to speculate about all this, things turn nasty when it comes to living out ones revelations. Will i follow the dreams ive had since i was a young child, of being part of that 'in' crowd, something which i have always intensely desired...or will i forego this fleeting dream and enter the realm of everlasting peace by accpeting Gods standards. Put like this the answer seems obvious, but there is a good amount of dying in accepting Gods standards.

As i think about this decision, i remember what the world has done for me...the fleeting pleasures it has given me, the hurts that left me vulnerable and weak...and then i remember my strong tower, my shelter, my strength and above my love. I realise that these standards arent there just to limit my freedom unnecasirily, they are there to make me a happier man, a man at peace. They are difficult and harsh aims, but they are given to me for my own good...so that i may not destroy myself and all that is around me.

The decision has been taken as this blog is being written, these are my inner reflections, the debates and the dilemmas that are going on in my mind as i am typing, just thought ill let you know about them. Perhaps they will help you out in your path, perhaps you will read this blog and laugh...it doesnt really matter. All i want it known is that this post is a sincere one of a christian who is coming out of his storm and letting his God maintain the promises that were given in the bible.

A dream

2006-10-01T02:12:00.000-07:00

How many of us continuously confess the same 3,4 sins every week month etc.? I happen to be one of those persons, and this highly irritates me. On one hand I feel ashamed that I have let God down, whilst on the other I'm even more ashamed because it has been that same sin. This morning I passed through a similar episode. I sinned, and then I suddenly I became furious. Simply and absolutely furious. I was livid.

The first thing that I do when I'm in this state is go to sleep, hoping that I will not affect and involve anyone who has nothing to do with my anger. Today I couldn't even sleep with my anger, I kept turning from side to side. I suddenly couldn't take it any longer and started praying. I just asked God to hear my prayers and give me what I needed, whatever that was I couldn't see it at that time.

While I was sleeping I had a dream. I dreamt that my mum was driving from Kennedy grove who n suddenly the car became a small airplane and I was the pilot. All was going smoothly as I passed over the countryside, however I realized I was flying at a very low altitude. A few moments or miles later I arrived in a city and yet I was still flying at a low altitude, just a bit higher than before, managing only to avoid obstacles sparingly. I decided I wasn't going to risk anymore and I decided to go as high as I could, literally the nose of the airplane was facing the sky and I was going up in a vertical degree. Than suddenly the airplane went into engine stall. This means that since gravity was working nose down, fuel was not reaching the nose of the plane and I began falling down. I regained control in a few moments, only to find myself flying at the same altitude I was before. I kept on flying and suddenly I came right in front of a skyscraper looking building, I could not swerve sideways I had to pull the stick and fly nose facing the sky. To my utter surprise I made it.

When I woke up, I realized that the dream was very relevant to my own personal life as a Christian. I realized that the part where I was flying over the countryside, were the first few months of my spiritual growth, relatively problem free but where I wasn't that close to God. As I entered a more obstacles phase of my spiritual growth, where I grew closer to God. The part where I was panicking was today, where I was asking God how could I call myself a Christian if I was regularly sinning. That's when I tried to became a saint quickly, naturally this cant happen because sandalwood is a gradual process. Finally the part where I came to my skyscraper I realized that if I trust God, He will thrust me into sandalwood.

Superhero in disguise or the nosy next door neighbour?

2006-09-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

Im writing this blog as a result of a very interesting discussion i had today. What im writing is being written out of experience and out of much thought.

Today Dr. John told me a saying that is very wise in my opinion.

"Fools blunder where angels dare not tread"

Ok rewind, let me tell you a bit about my character. I am a person who loves helping people. Not to feel all good and mighty as some might say, but because i hate human suffering with a passion. Having passed through quite a bit myself i hate when people are hurt or suffering. this has produced in me something i call superhero syndrome. I want to help all those around me.

Back to Dr johns words, in my life ive done a couple of blunders. the intention was always to help ppl but the result wasnt that, to the contrary people were hurt and more damage was done than good. I entered an existential crisis, how could my best intentions create these disasters. I was at a loss and for quite a long time i was lost, i was bitter because people who i had tried to help hurt me back. On the otherhand i was confused, wasnt my duty as a christian to correct those in error and to help them?

2 days ago my brother came up to me and told me, andrew i want to help these friends of mine get back together what do i do? and suddenly it seemed very clear. i asked my brother three questions

1) Are you qualified to help them?

2) Are you absolutely sure that what you are doing is the right thing?

3) Do you have the authority to speak into their lives? Have they asked you to help them, or is it your own initiative.

These i realised are the three fiundamental questions, one must ask oneself if one wants to help someone else. I am writing this article for all those people who like me love helping people, but are asking themselves when or when not to open their mouths. If the answer is yes to those three questions go right ahead. Pray before and do it, keeping in mind that fools blunder where angels in all their wisdom fear to tread, so remember a word said can never be taken back so choose wisely.

God bless you, hope it helps.

Missing Michael

2006-09-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to send the word out to me best buddy mich who is on an erasmus program and will be awya for three weeks. Even though this dude is one of the most annoying people to ever grace this earth (after or as bad as my brother:P) he is one of the most faithful and loyal people i know. Have fun dude enjoy erasmus and learn to appreciate italian culture.

Dont poison too many ppl

Arrivederci e che Dio ti benedica

CIAO!

My Famly and other animals

2006-09-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

Yest was not a particularly good day. i had a massive fight with my mum, normally that does not have the power to colour my mood, but it seems lately that my mum has become mre skillful and adept at trying to make me lose it. oh just for the record i was right, she decided to go back on an agreement we had. The frst tactic i tried was to answer rationnaly and unemotionally and try to explain things outs. Yes i know i never learn, and as usual that didnt work out. Then i went on to a second tactic, silence. In my heart i was continuosly offerinf my anger to Jesus. It worked in an verbal battering that lasted from paceville to fgura i said perhaps 15 words in all. i finally offered my financial problems as well to God which were the topic of our 'debate'. I experienced his faithfulness that asme vening because He gave me a solution for them.

2006-09-18T02:11:00.000-07:00

To begin with i must say that i dont normally do this, but ill give you an insight of my weekend because it deserves it. Lets begin with friday, on friday at 3.00pm i had private lessons of maltese intermediate (damn it). I finished at 4 and walked to gzira from san gwann, not a long walk but tiring because i had a heavy bag. From that point on i realised that i had left my mobile at bugibba, now thats a pain in the ass. at 5.15 i left gzira and went to rugby training where i had one of the most exhasuting training sessions since we started scrumming. Me and mike left early and went to my home where after encountering a few guests (namely 2 cockraoches and a couple of spiders) we had quick showers. Now both me and mike were tremendously knackered after an intensive training. At that point we phoned matthew who was supposed to meet us close to my home. turns out his suspensions couldnt take all of us so me and mike had to walk it to the marina where we caught two buses to dezzie's bday. Once there i enjoyed it tremendously, it was funny and relaxed. As always i got my persecution (ppl should know what im talking abt) :P. Anyways then went home with sim's dad and his sis. A great night.

Sat was also looking really fun in the morning, however due to some circumstances i ended up in a horrible mood and terribly depressed. I still went to John's bday party, where i wore my happy face mask. No one except john and nicky urp realised that something wasnt quite ok. Anyways the food was great and there was a great sense of community especially during the dancing, which was hilarious, great thanks to stefan who was definitely one of the island's most gifted dj's that night. Anyways just before i left i had a very painful praying over, but it set me free and now i feel much better, (sidenote: Thank you God).

Sunday morning sleep was rudely disrupted by my watch telling me that i had to go to 8 o clock mass.After that went to filming with bernice annabelle steven and stefan , filmed naturally by johny. it was funny especially since bernice was both the temptress and the uptight girl who found everything to be immoral. Anywayz in the evening we had a football tournament organised briliantly by mattthew azz. It was great i played and ran alot, seems rugby training is paying off. I was a bit angry at a point but perhaps i need to learn alot more abt patience....heh. Anyways that was my great weekend enjoyed it alot.

Mood: Wintery
Song: You'll be in my heart - phil collins- tarzan o.s.t.
Teenage wasteland - the who - csi ny theme song

Some Pics of me

2006-09-05T04:12:00.000-07:00

Aoug

2006-09-05T03:39:00.000-07:00

Starting a new blog, hmm.. at this point i will take my oath of fidelity to write in this blog...lol. I....Andrew Camilleri, solemnly promise to hereby write down any event of relevance (or if im dead bored) in this here blog, for now till i am eithet too busy or dead. Amen